Trying to attract new staff
Firstly, when people searching for some new job opportunities, a well-paid job always can grab their attention. After all, competitive wages are helpful to improve job hunters’ standards of living. In addition, higher salary enables employers to be more competitive in the labor market. Secondly, better company image can boost employees’ confidence as well as their personal images and sense of belonging. Finally, chance of being promoted is one of the working dynamic origins. You know, talents are willing to strive for further improvement.
Well-paid 等同于high salary/wages
Grab their attention 抓住眼球，可替换attract…
After all毕竟，口语写作可自然的使用一些转折词，同类比如in addition, therefore, on the other hand…
Strive for further improvement更上一层楼，比单纯使用better要更好
2. 口语不是写作，临场发挥要更自然，更流畅，例如范文中给出的一处you know，写作中是绝对不能出现的，但真实考试和交流中，可以用的更加频繁和自然。